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2003 Archive

On Vacation – Again (12/20/03)

Since I be off and “up out” for awhile, here’s somthing to keep you busy. A “festuvus for the restuvus”, kinda.

The beginnings of you not being so stupid; you are welcome (12/19/03)

As an Evolutionary Biologist, I’m constantly amazed by how adamantly (and unintelligently) people argue their dogmatic beliefs of creation/evolution/whatever. What astounds me is not the sheer veracity they insist resides within their belief (and which is so obviously absent from other’s) but how little they actually understand the “raw data” that “supports” their dogma.

In an effort to broaden the horizons of a few “Creation or Death” types that I know check these pages, I’ll give you a brief introduction to a few key concepts of evolution. What I will not due is attempt to make you question your stance (by introducing such questions as “Why does Genesis refer to the moon as “a light” when it most definitely is not a light”, “Why does genesis 1 say God created man last, but Genesis 2 say God created man first?”, etc.)

First, the primary component of evolution is a concept known as “Differential Reproductive Success.” Before going into that, it is necessary to state that evolution occurs due to random mutation; it is not a directed event and is not the result of an intentional need for change. Darwin’s finches did not decide that, due to scarcity of resources, a new, different beak size/shape would make life more livable. (Likewise, evolution does not occur within individuals but within populations.) Darwin’s finches are the result of point-mutations within populations of finches (sharing the same gene pool) that conferred differential reproductive success upon the offspring that acquired the mutation. This was a random event. Also, along the same lines, all mutation events are not positive in their effect. They run the spectrum from lethal to advantageous with most falling well short of advantageous.

Now that we understand mutation to be random, we can look more closely at the effects of mutation events. Since we’ve begun using Darwin’s Finches, we’ll continue along that line. Though I haven’t covered the basics of molecular biology or biochemistry yet – but will – I’ll skip the mechanisms of random mutation and move forward (with your full understanding that these events do occur and that the mechanism will be delineated at a later time).

A certain finch with an inherited beak size/shape is born with a “genetic defect.” This “defect” is a mutation within its genetic code that differs from its parent’s genetic code. A single base within a certain gene has been incorrectly replicated. (Again, we’ll discuss the process later.) With this defect, the offspring’s beak is abnormally large. As the bird develops, it begins to experience difficulty finding food. (The parent finch derives its nourishment from insects it digs from trees. As such, its beak is slender for digging into holes.) Because its beak is larger, it cannot probe holes as efficiently and is at a distinct disadvantage when compared with its siblings. Because all finches of this species compete for the same burrowing insects, scarcity of resources means the best hunters will survive and the weaker hunters will, by natural law, either die prematurely or be less able to produce offspring. However, this particular finch discovers that its large, abnormal beak, though not good at digging for insects, is very efficient at cracking nuts and seeds. (This particular finch, with its abnormal beak, may have been preceded by several other mutant offspring with the same trait, but they never discovered the benefit and thus died of starvation. For them, the larger beak was a terminal trait. For this young finch, it is a windfall.)

Because no other finch eats nuts and seeds, they abound in the bird’s habitat. This young bird, rather than competing with other finches for insects, finds food with ease. Soon, he is larger and healthier than his siblings and is himself ready to produce offspring. He finds a mate (of the original population, having the normal beak design) and mates. Through genetic processes, he passes on his beak trait to some offspring but not others. The ones that have the larger beak have an advantage: they have a readily available food source and little or no competition. (This is referred to as finding a vacant niche.) They flourish. Within a few generations, the larger beak size is a common trait and, over time, a new species emerges. Speciation has occurred!

That, dear friends, is evolution. A horse giving birth to a monkey: not evolution! A common question I see in the ongoing debate is “why, if we came from apes, are there still apes? Why didn’t they become humans too?” The answer is simple: we still have apes for the same reason we, in our example, have finches with big beaks and finches with small beaks; the emergence of one does not doom the other. If anything, it helps insure its continued viability by reducing the stress of certain limited resources.

The evolutionary mechanism outlined here explains how, in time, speciation occurs. As stated previously, all mutations (in fact, most mutations) are not beneficial. The ones that are, however, lead to major changes.

One closing thought: marsupials abound in certain, remote areas of the world and are all but completely absent from other areas. This is because of the “parent species” model. If evolution takes millions of years and begins with a small number of species and later grows to a large number of species, the later species will show some similarities to much earlier parent species. The marsupials of Australia exist because evolution began with that model – rather than placental mammals –and evolved in relative isolation with that life mechanism. Today, thousands of marsupial species live in Australia and almost none live elsewhere. The parent model dictates the “trunk of the tree”, so to speak, from which variant species emerge. We have almost no marsupials in North America because the native species did not evolve from that parent stock.

Evolution is cool; and if you don’t think so, you’re an idiot (you knew it had to be in here somewhere.) I’ll try to keep the educational material to a minimum, but with all this knowledge, some spills out from time to time.

Happy Holidays, and try, in the coming year, to be less a moron. Again, it’s good to have goals.

Reality Bites (12/11/03)

Overhead, a pale moon hung in the empty sky. A cold mist clung to the highway and the only sound was the shuffling of bare, half-rotted feet. His dream realized, Zom-Billy wandered the lonely highway in search of food. Behind him lay the ravaged remains of the Pacific Northwest; every soul consumed by the insatiable appetite for tasty human flesh. And yet, there was an aching where Billy’s heart once pounded. Was this all that remained – shuffle around and eat people? Surely being a zombie has some greater purpose. Suddenly, his crumbling brain made a stark realization: A horrible mistake had been made. Billy wasn’t supposed to BE a zombie – he was supposed to HUNT zombies. As a cow watched, its mouth slowly working a tasty hunk of cud, Billy dropped to the ground and wept sour, rotten tears.

Now, if that doesn’t scream “Merry Christmas” to ya’, I don’t know what will.

The Weekend (12/06/03)

Having blown my weekend in the company of friends, I have a few pics. (These are not intended to be politically correct, nor do I care what you think. Enjoy, or not; it’s my page.)

1. The first thing I noticed on our little voyage was Henerd’s little girly, anorexic arms. “You’re like a little girl.”
2. 4 cigars into a 10+ cigar game of poker. Second-hand smoke is harmful, my ass!”
3. As usual, things aren’t going well for me – but are far worse for Henerd.
4. BCGs and too much Bag Balm.
5. Don’t ask.
6. Dan’s little stack of chips. What a fag!
7. It says, "Where my LADIES at", or something like that.
8. What I bring to the Table.
9. What WE bring.
10. The Henerd Boys

In life, we control precious little. A man cannot be measured by his car, or house, or education; the true measure of a man is the company he holds. To my friends: I’m here when you need me.

A Little Something (12/04/03)

Again, I’ll be out for a few days – with fellow Marines, shooting things and blowing up other things – so I won’t be updating till Monday. I need a new story or something; it’s getting boring in here!

Till I find my muse, things such as this must suffice (it’s worth the load time.)

I’ll take a picture of the assortment of ordinance that accompanies these little sessions of destruction.

A Quick Update(12/01/03)

I received several conclusions to the open-ended story; however, none were suitable for printing. I really need some new friends.

Hillary traveled to Iraq where, according to French news agencies, she visited troops outside the safe zone. She was also quoted as saying, “Let's all watch ‘Black Hawk Down’ and talk about what Whitey gets when Whitey interferes.” Typical Hillary. Typical Democrat.

And, in closing, don’t ever get AT&T wireless service. They suck ass, their Customer Service is a joke, and their “network” is as reliable as a French news agency.

More later.

And Then? (11/25/03)

Since I’ll be out of town for a few days, I’ll leave you with a few quick things.

First, a friend sent me this link – which bolsters my case that people are inherently stupid.

Next, another friend sent me the story fragment below. Finish the story and email it to me. I’ll post the best conclusion.

The “pic of the day” has been up for a few days, but what better pic to leave up through these rough times. We all need goals – some of us more than others. Always remember, what doesn’t kill you postpones the inevitable.

You are at the wedding...

You are a total Diva...

the best dress, a perfect hairdo, and you fall in love with

an invited guest.....

secret looks the entire night, On the dance floor, he's by your side
constantly, he dances like a God....

you are the couple of the evening......

the anticipated moment has arrived for all single women.......

The bride is about to throw the bouquet....

you are first in line, in a strategic position......

once there, you wait for the right moment.....

you look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him........

if I catch the bouquet...I WILL MARRY YOU...

And then, the moment you've been waiting for....

the bride throws the bouquet........

he doesn't stop looking at you....

you jump like never before to catch the bouquet...

your arms stretched out...

your hands open....

and suddenly..........

For Ben (11/19/03)

So you’ll stop griping at me about not sending this stupid song! ENJOY!

With Gravy (11/18/03)

It’s been a strange few weeks. I’ve spent a little time thinking about stories, social commentaries, or general disdains for humanity – yet nothing really warrants perspective. The fires are out, Arnold is in, Bush says we stay in Iraq, gas prices are rising, and I’ve developed a little hook on my 5-iron; the usual suspects are exiguous.

I’ve been working on a short story to add to the few of weeks past – but can, at this point, get no further than a title. Admittedly, I’m no great writer in the beginning, and now a full-blown block is somewhat disconcerting. (I do have a great title; “With Gravy”, in need of a story – I’ll work on that.)

In closing, feel free to download as much music on the internet as you wish, the trick is to share none. The tracking mechanism being employed now involves record companies putting digital tags on files and sending them out into the P2P community, then coming back later and grabbing them again and tracking their course. If you share nothing, you cannot be tracked. At this time, it’s easy. Later, it will be difficult – so enjoy it while you can.

Also, for my working friends, it seems several companies have outfitted their people with PDAs containing (whether divulged or not) GPS receivers. Fear not, I’m working on a few solutions to that dilemma now. Hopefully, they won’t be needed, but chance favors the prepared Marine who’s ready to kill people and blow things up and …. where was I going with this?

For LT, Ph D (11/12/03)

I spoke with a friend today who seemed to be a little down. For her, I’ve found a few pics that should be used as necessary to ensure that the motivational compass always points…somewhere. (Lance, I stole these from another site, re-formatted them, and now I’m plagiarizing them and passing them off as my own creation; feel free to sue me, bitch!)

And My Personal Favorite!

Words of Wisdom from a Friend(11/11/03)

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a
chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's
domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a
pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in
Shape ... you're sexist.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.

If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Men die first because we want to.

If you aren’t a Marine, you won’t understand (11/10/03)

Happy Birthday, Marines. 228 years of the strong protecting the weak.

Long Time on a Crooked Road (11/7/03)

It’s been a long week and I’ve posted nothing, so I’ll give a few quick thoughts to keep you going – till another story or newz-flash comes along.

A few acquaintances have recently shown some confusion over my disdain for this article. I understand humor – arguably better than most – but some things are indeed sacred. Marine boot camp, as I can personally attest, is no day on the farm. Furthermore, the entire article devalues the sacrifice and efforts of those who defend our great land. The assertions are inaccurate, the foundation is untrue, and the conclusions are faulty: how is this not offensive? Today, as Marines fight and die, some conservative idiot is degrading them by stating for the world that, though we all had trouble in boot camp and though we all spent more than a few nights wondering why the hell we signed that contract, some farm girl flew through with the greatest of ease. Next, maybe he’ll write an article about how a cute little bunny rabbit made it through BUDS, or an 8-year-old with ADD completed Recon Indoc. Writing an inaccurate article belittling the sacrifice of our armed forces is reprehensible. If you disagree with me; join the Marines, successfully complete boot camp, then come back and tell me I’m wrong. Until then, shut your pie hole and accept that the strong (Marines) protect the weak (Boortz.)

Gov. Dean is having problems “connecting” with people in the South. In his eyes, all us white guys in the South marry our sisters, drive pickups with confederate flags, shoot deer from our front porch, and use verbiage like “ain’t” and “y’all” out of pure, inbred ignorance. My message to Dean: Stay the course, keep belittling the South, and keep misrepresenting the issues. Dean claims Southerners are only concerned with God, gays, and guns. If, by that, he means I am not for more government handouts and entitlements, a better economy through higher taxation, and equal rights and representation for illegal immigrants; he’s closer to correct than he’d like. I like Democrats like this: stand up for what you believe and allow those who disagree to unite against you. Dean is great man, and will, if nothing else, push more Republicans to go out and vote against him. I am pushing Dean for the Democratic nominee for 2004. Dean for Nominee!

The ACLU is pissed about Mel Gibson’s upcoming movie about the life of Christ. They say it will spark anti-Semitic hate crimes. I guess their contention is that the Jews did not crucify Christ. Imagine what they’d do if someone made a film reminding the world that many blacks owned and sold slaves. Are we assumed to be so stupid that our seeing a film will incite violence because it reminds of the truth? Yet another reason the ACLU, NAACP, and all environmental activists and reparations advocates should be shipped off to California and allowed to enjoy the world they have created.

Area man reads self-help book, finally gets act together (10/30/03)

At 39 years of age, Mr. Henerd, a California resident and McClintock supporter, insists the book “Wild at Heart” has changed his life. “ I was a lazy dead-beat before; now, I’ve applied for college assistance and food stamps, washed my truck, and asked a girl out on a date.” Mr. Henerd’s $40 Nissan pickup, 1.5 thumbs, and bullet-ridden body all attest to his lack of direction, laughable decision –making skills, poor follow-through and “stick-to-itiveness”, and general malaise in the face of modern-day life. When asked for his favorite quote from the genius prose, Mr. Henerd responded, “It would have to the part about God not dropping jobs and girls in my lap as I sat in my Easy-Chair, internet porn and offers to make $10,000/month stuffing envelopes notwithstanding, of course.”
Since Mr. Henerd finished the book, he’s been sighted buying new underwear, brushing his teeth, and taking a small measure of responsibility for his life decisions and their consequences. Though far too early to be sure the transformation is complete, this is definitely a good beginning for a guy who fell off a cliff, shot himself, and cut off his thumb. Best wishes, Mr. Henerd.

And in the News (10/27/03)

Kobe Bryant will stand trial for sexual assault. Even though his 19-year-old accuser admits to having sex with 2 men that day prior to the “attack” and one man after; she insists her injuries were caused by “the other guy, what’s his name, the one with all the money; it was him”. The teenager hopes to send Mr. Bryant to prison for a long time, take all his money, then sleep with the remaining 7 men in Colorado with whom she has not yet had sex.

As California continues to reel from the recent fires devastating much of the state, liberals insist that their ridiculous environmental policies had nothing to do with the blaze. One activist was quoted as saying, “We stand by our efforts to protect the earth from man. In adopting a state-wide policy of leaving flammable debris all over the state, we have saved the lives of countless ground squirrels, weavels, and precker-headed pheasants.” When told the fires have now killed millions of animals, destroyed their habitat, and cost billions of dollars in damages, she simply responded,“Yes, we know; it’s a proud day for environmentalists. Down with Whitey!”

CBS’ new miniseries “The Reagans” is being called “a hatchet job” by conservatives, and “a fair look at a pathetic and miserable President and his ruthless bitch of a wife” by Senator Hillary Clinton. When asked about Reagan’s unprecedented economic successes and his ending the Cold War, Hillary said, “No he didn’t.”

And finally, Bush was surprised today to learn that the Foreign Minister of China did not, in fact, know Karate. He was heard asking a top aide, “He what? How can he be Chinese and not know Karate.” When told by the aide that Japan was the home of Karate and China, the home of Kung Fu; Bush replied, “Well, they all look the same to me.”

It’s my page so shut up (10/23/03)

After losing a week to a cough-serum induced haze, things should be back to normal. That last story sucked – but I’ll leave it up to remind myself that I too can do terrible work when lacking the proper motivation and frame of mind.

More to come soon, as my NyQuil stupor wears off. I will say this for now: cherry NyQuil rocks hard tasty abs! If you can’t afford the $5.00 per 200mL, a bottle of MadDog and a few diet pills should have about the same effect.

I do think the pic o’ the day is funny as hell. I never realized how un-sexy thongs CAN be; whether that was the desired effect or not, we’ll never know.

For Tammi, because my suck-ass short stories were too short (10/21/03)

The jackal crossed the busy street and turned left towards the shopping district. His poor disposition and disheveled appearance warned most to stay away. Choice words met those too oblivious to avoid contact. “Hey, Dumbass, watch where you’re go’ in”, “Move your fat ass faster, please”: he was in no mood for crowds. Just then, a balding, stocky fellow, head down in deep thought, bumped the jackal rudely. What was instantly clear was that this unfortunate fellow had just opened a heaping can of “whoopass”; what was not yet known was that this was no ordinary stocky, balding man. He was, in fact, a superhero, a new edition to the crime fighting family (still working on his superhero name) – and he was out today looking for butts to kick, skulls to crack, and general “gett’in it done” to get done.
As the jackal turned to hurl another insult, he was met with a powerful roundhouse kick to the jaw. In an explosive rage, our young superhero unleashed a devastating volley of blows, striking the jackal about the face, chest, and neck. The jackal was taken aback, surprised by the fury of the stranger. As the young superhero came in for a final combination, the jackal spun and brought a blighting strike to the back of the superhero’s neck. As our young hero stumbled under the might of his adversary, he was struck with a powerful blow to the solar plexus, robbing him of the precious breath needed to sustain a young crimefighter locked in the battle of good vs. evil. Moments later, head bleeding and throbbing with pain, the superhero lay in a broken heap on the street –vanquished. As if things could not be worse, our young hero suddenly found himself being mounted and dry-humped by the jackal, right there on the street, in front of a growing crowd. Finally, thoroughly beaten and humiliated, the young superhero crawled away in tears.

The moral: no matter how bad-ass you think you are; shut up and keep walking, else you too could find yourself being dry-humped by the jackal.

Much to my dismay, some have liked the new short stories, Tammi has complained they are too short to be considered “stories,” Charlie was too apathetic to even read them (saying that, when he saw words rather than nudy pics, he instantly lost interest), and my wonderful wife tells me road kill is never a suitable topic for a story: fiction or non-. At this time, the consensus seems to be that they are good enough to continue. In the end, it’s my dam page and I can do what I want. Hammy was eaten by a small cat; that’s freak’in hysterical!

Now, something to educate you: there exists in nature a so-called “golden ratio” known as Phi (Phi =1.618…) Simple as it may seem, the number appears everywhere with startling accuracy. Not only is it a governing mathematical value, but biology abides by it as well. Everything from insect segmentation to radial growth patterns to human body measurements to animal symmetry; literally every category of life on earth shows some affinity for the golden ratio. Is this indicative of an evolutionary process? My quick answer would be no; convergent evolution seldom occurs with any great degree of exactness but tends more towards functional math rather than exact math (meaning the average is seldom the mean and the distribution, though statistically valid, is by no means precise.) Could this be more evidence of Intelligent Design: perhaps. Without getting in too deep, something out there seems to like the value of Phi. Your body has at least 10 different examples of the “golden ration” and you never even knew it.

Now, you’ve learned something today.

Trust No One (10/17/03)

The recruit stood in the doorway, anxiety quickly turning to fear. Looking out over the vast expanse before him, he struggled to recall the instructor’s words: “When your altimeter reads 5,000 feet, place your right hand on the handle and pull down. Your primary canopy will deploy. If, for some reason, the primary canopy fails; with your right hand, reach down and pull your reserve parachute release. The reserve chute will deploy. Once on the ground, a truck will meet you and take you back to base.”
As time stood still, the light turned from red to green, the instructor gave an unnecessarily abrupt push, and gravity took over. As he struggled to remain in proper orientation, haunting terms plagued him: “deceleration trauma, dirt poising.” No matter how hard he tried, the inferences of pain and death kept coming. In his semi-conscience haze, he noticed the 5000 mark pass on his altimeter. Fear gave way to confidence, chaos turned to orchestrated process; all suddenly seemed clear.
Just as instructed, he reached over with his right hand and pulled the primary chute release. Nothing happened. In a moment of panic, the voice echoed yet again, “If, for some reason, the primary canopy fails; with your right hand, reach down and pull your reserve parachute release. The reserve chute will deploy. Once on the ground, a truck will meet you and take you back to base.”
By reflex alone, he reached down, firmly grasped the reserve chute handle, and pulled. Again, time stood still as the recruit gazed above him at the emptiness of space - where his parachute should be.

As he hurled towards earth at terminal velocity, one final thought flashed though his mind: I bet there’s no damn truck down there either!

Today, I ventured back into Protest Warrior to see what the imperious youth of the right-wing are talking about.
I stumbled upon a 23-year-old doling out gun advice to everyone. He recommended a .357 Magnum (with 4 inch barrel and 6-shot cylinder) for an old lady, various shotguns for home defense, and listed scores of movie weapons and after-market preferences. What the hell?
After a short while, I found that his knowledge, or lack thereof, was based on the “expert advice” of gun shop workers in his area. Listening to a redneck fool in a gun shop blather about the perfect gun is as stupid as believing the used car salesman that says Chevy is one of the best cars ever made. One of the first articles on these blessed pages dealt with my run-in with a so-called gun shop expert. Anyway, this fool was not only listing his preferences for what people should buy and use to defend their lives, but other fools were listening and asking more advice!

Again: it is easy to convince an ignorant person of almost anything. If you should happen upon Protest Warrior and read suggestions on concealed carry weapons from some guy, realizing he’s probably never owned or shot a gun in his entire life, tell him to kiss your ass, care of Rancid Koolaid.

Back to a Normal Life (10/15/03))

The full moon cast a pale glow over the Future Network parking lot. As a crisp wind blew in off the bay, there was a burst of movement in the shrub line ringing the parking lot. As a dog howled in the distance, a short, rotted, hamster-like figure stumbled out of a freshly opened grave, its tiny legs propelling it toward the office doorway and the tasty human flesh that awaited within. It was time to exact a horrible retribution upon the poor saps that had buried him prematurely, who had tortured him with the sweet aroma of KFC day after day, while never giving him any. As Hammy crossed the parking lot, his dead lips smacking with hungry anticipation, he was run over by a Chevy Impala. Unable to move, Hammy lay on the cold pavement all night, until he was eaten by a small cat.

Why the hell do I pay so much for 200 channels of cable when he only thing on is “Law and Order”, or “Law and Order: Criminal Intent”, or "Law and order, SVU”, or "Law and Order, Cops Beating Homeless Bums”? Law and Order sux ass, and now it seems to be everywhere, all the time. How can one terrible show spawn 10 other terrible shows and some idiot put them on every channel my cable company carries? I hate Law and Order!

Breaking Newz:(10/7/03)

In an unprecedented showing of bi-partisan unity, former President Bill Clinton has offered his expert advice and strategery to governor-hopeful Arnold Schwarzenegger. Clinton has reportedly offered tips on evading assault charges, advice on how to more covertly grope and fondle the unwilling, and has offered the services of his own personal legal council, widely considered the best representation in the nation for those seeking to abuse women and avoid legal consequences.

In other news, the DOW dropped 8,000 points today, due largely to Bush’s ridiculous tax cut that actually takes money from the homeless and poor (by force, when necessary) and redistributes it to the wealthy. Democrats have called for the immediate lynching of President Bush, a repealing on the entire Constitution, and a new national government system presided over by Democrats, the UN, and the lifeless remains of the Joseph Stalin – champion of the working class.

Also today, Rush Limbaugh has been found guilty of drug abuse, the 2000 election scandal, the downing of the Hindenburg, AIDS, the deficit, SUV’s, Republicans, Capitalism, and most every other crime against humanity perpetrated by the “White Devil.” Sentencing begins tomorrow in the LA Times.

Tomorrow: incontrovertible proof that the war on terror is, in fact, a conservative war against the freedoms of Middle Easterners wanting nothing more than to practice their religious right to kill all non-Muslims. Liberal Catholics and Protestants around the world are standing together, in favor of Muslims’ holy rights to kill all Catholics and Protestants.

Your national media; bringing you absolute truth, every day, we Promise!

People Still Suck (10/2/03)

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything - so this one might wander a bit.

I recently decided to wear my “End Racism. Kill Everyone” t-shirt to the gym (I try to be sensitive to others’ wussy feelings.) A mother asked me what it meant - I slapped her in the face and laughed so hard I pissed my pants. What a moron!

Today I had lunch with my wife at the Cheesecake Factory and had to sit near a couple that must have been brother and sister. First, they were at a large table with seats on all sides – and still they sat next to one another. My wife said later she thought they probably had a pickup truck, as, in Texas, the white-trash thing to do is ride around in your pickup with your girl almost in your lap and the remaining 6 feet of bench seat vacant. We also noticed that the girl had a huge “hicky” on her neck (whether put there by her boyfriend or father, we did not know), which was worn as a fashion statement. They kissed and groped through their meal, were incredibly stupid, and were none too attractive. If she had been really good looking, it would have been OK, but for an ugly chick to be a moron – it was just sad.

Bush needs to “Cowboy up” and station troops at the borders. He refuses to interdict in New Mexico and California where illegals can get drivers licenses and cast illegal ballots. Again, my policy on immigration should be implemented immediately – at least with respect to Mexico: A large concrete fence with miniguns at 50-foot intervals. If you approach the fence, you die: simple solutions for simple problems.

Schwarzenegger is being slammed for groping a few ladies? Clinton made a carrier of it! Now the liberals are screaming that he is unfit for office. If anything, he is now more fit. In a state represented by Condit and Waxman, how can a little promiscuity be seen as “bad?” California is a moral black hole; to cry when a Republican (if you can call him that) does what Dems do daily is just plain stupid. Adding more fuel to the fire that California should be a fenced-off island for all the liberal society projects of the day. ("It isn’t an island", you say, it will be – soon – I hope!)

The CDC has released its conclusions of a 51-study report on the effects of gun control and their effectiveness at curbing violence. They found “no conclusive evidence” to indicate that any form of gun control actually works. No kidding, Dumbass; haven’t we been saying that for years! The Brady Bill comes up for renewal in 2004 and this study should lead the debate. Whether I NEED 14 round mags is not the issue! Those liberals truly hate the 2nd Amendment – as well as most of the others.

This “religion of peace” thing is getting old. I recently read a book entitled “Silent no More: Confronting America’s Misconceptions of Islam.” It was 200 pages of some idiot telling stories about the Muslims he’s met and stating that since they weren’t terrorists, surely other Muslims must also not be terrorists. (I’d hoped to learn a little about Islam and, in the process, find that I was wrong in some perceptions of the religion. That did not happen. Not only do I still think Islam should be outlawed, but now I think the author of the book should be sent to California to run for office – making certain, of course, that he has fondled a few women who will only come forward at election time.)

Though I am no huge fan of Rush Limbaugh, I miss the point of the recent uproar. He stated an opinion – with which I somewhat agree – and is demonized by the media at-large. Next thing we know, the local NAACP chapter will be mad at me for saying I’m glad Tu Pac is dead and I wish Barry White had died a long time ago. We are still entitled to opinions. This whole thing makes me want to start a white club, paid with government funds, that celebrates being white. If you disagree with me, be sure, the next time you see me, to come ask about my t-shirt.

Does the Mullet Make the man? (9/23/03)

Today, I found myself hating mankind once again. After posting again (moron that I am) on Franken’s website, I later found a post by some liberal idiot telling me conservatism was killing our country and that Bush had “foolishly squandered” all the global good will Clinton left us. I asked if, by good will, he meant the bombing of the USS Cole, or the planning of 9/11, or the World Trade Center bombing of ’93, or the goodwill North Korea showed by presenting smiles and lies while allowing us to pay for their nuclear weapons programs. Maybe he was referring to the Chinese good will shown by giving Clinton money for re-election, or maybe the good will of the thousands of Madrasas throughout the world teaching a whole generation of young Muslims that the US is the devil and must be destroyed.

Nothing pisses me off more than liberal (and conservative) idiots who refuse to think and, instead, take what others say, apply no critical thinking, and act as though it were absolute truth. QUESTION EVERYTHING! As I’ve said many times, it’s easy to convince an idiot of almost anything. DAMIT, people are so freak’in stupid. I say if your IQ is below 110, you should not be allowed to vote. Politicians now “market” to imbeciles – and it works. Our country is lost!

Then, just when things can’t get any worse, I stumble upon something so great that my faith in humanity is partly restored. Though we are still being Fed Ex’ed straight to hell, at least this site makes the ride a little more bearable.

It's Worse than even I knew (9/18/03)

Over the past few weeks, I’ve made every attempt t broaden my horizons by seeking out intelligent liberals with which to discuss topics of interest. I got booted from a few liberal web forums and managed to stay in only 1 for any real length of time.

I’ve reached one very important (and monumental) conclusion: people are stupid! It is the bedrock foundation of our marketing-dominated lives. Anything printed or aired by “trusted sources” is viewed as absolute truth, no bias or potential agenda is acknowledged, no need for critical thought. AMAZING! And the left has no monopoly on this trend. In my search, I’ve found many conservatives who believe liberals are pure evil, traitors, and worthy of death. (I should state, in fairness, that I have found intelligent liberals willing to discuss issues of consequence in a rational and objective manner.)

To summarize my adventures, a few generalizations:

1. Liberals believe everything Bush does is bad (though they will no longer say everything Clinton did is good – which is a slight improvement.)

2. Liberals think America is a miserable and terrible place to be right now. From what I’ve read, none of us have jobs, can afford cars or homes, and we will all soon either be on government handouts or we will resort to lives of crime (though it will not be our fault that we commit these crimes, because we had no choice.)

3. Liberals believe we should pull out of Iraq immediately. Anarchy or tyranny would be better for the Iraqi people than occupation by a country that is simply grabbing all the natural resources it can and attempting to put in strip malls and Starbucks.

4. Islam is not to blame: America is to blame.

5. “Capitalism is the worst form of government on earth” actual quote. That capitalism is an economic structure and that our government is a democracy did not dampen the spirits or resolve of the proclaimer– who thinks socialism is the answer to our ills.

My outlook on the future is worse than before – if that is possible. I had a co-worker tell me France did nothing wrong with regards to Iraq and our efforts, and stated many times they would go into Iraq with force if the UN security council authorized use of force. (When I reminded her that France has veto power in the security council and could, unilaterally, stop UN force, (and vowed to do so), she saw their “we won’t go in without the UN” as no less diminished in value.)

Again, we are being Fed Ex’ed straight to hell. As much as I hate to say it, I’m afraid there is no turning back. The people of the country have become too apathetic, too stupid, too blind, and too proud to see that our Republic is dying from within. The moral foundation on which our great land was founded has now been dismissed as the foolishness of religious zealots. I’m stilled amazed at how many in America define “enlightened” and “progressive” in much the same way.

Liberal ideology will destroy our country with the help of countless liberal morons and more than a few conservative idiots – all of whom have lost their capacity for rational and objective thought.

In the end, entertainment is all that matters to most Americans. Enjoy it, now is more or less our “final meal”; turn on the TV, turn off your brain, and embrace the fait you cannot yet see.

In Remembrance(9/11/03)

In Ann's Defense (9/5/03)

Today, I was approved to post on AnnCoulter.com (with the provision that if I stirred up trouble, I'd be banned and my friend with me.) Does this look like the picture of a guy who causes trouble? Guys who beat so much ass that they can have their picture taken on the Continetal Divide should be worshipped, not threatened with banning. 10 or maybe 20 people on earth have stood where we stand. You get your ass up there and show me a pic before you threaten me, damit!

A conservative surprise (9/03/03)

As most of you know (who can and have read anything I’ve written in these blessed pages), I am no lover of liberal ideology. Yesterday I was banned from 3 liberal forums for not being liberal – I guess since they couldn’t intelligently debate me, they simply banned my IP from their servers (I could release/renew and make their lives hell! But I wouldn’t do that.)

I wrote a few short things yesterday regarding my surprise for the left’s complete lack of willingness to allow dissent; however, the greatest surprise of all came today. AnnCoulter.com hosts a conservative forum much like the liberals but, of course being conservative, much more open minded and willing to discuss – or so I thought. My application for Ann’s forum was declined! As far as I know, people don’t get much more conservative than me: no free trade, execute illegal immigrants, execute all murderers and child molesters and serial rapists and drug dealers…, bomb any nation that messes with us, outlaw Islam, etc; so why would an over-the-top conservative like Ann ban me?

Maybe neither side is truly willing to intelligently discuss issues of consequence. Like a few friends of mine, most are quite contented knowing “their” truth is “the” truth and no facts or ration or reason will ever be allowed to dissuade them.

Now I understand why arguing politics is futile. My short-lived attempt to turn the world from its collision course with stupidity has failed. For me (and this site), it’s back to acknowledging people are inherently stupid, and enjoying them for what they are: entertainment for me.

Things I’ve learned today about Liberals (9/02/03)

1. Liberals don’t like disagreement.
After having been banned from 2 discussion forums today (one for mentioning the blood of heroes that secured their rights to freedom of speech, another for mentioning that the economic down-turn (and Enron’s growth) took place under Clinton’s watch), I see no other possible alternative: agree or be silent.

2. Liberals require no data on which to formulate hypothesis or dogma.
(I especially enjoyed the line, “who lobbies for the unborn?”; does no one see the hypocrisy?)

3. If a liberal cannot intelligently defend a stance, they simply deny that the issue is in question.

4. Liberals assume all conservatives are stupid
Enough said

5. Liberals are perfectly willing to re-write history - or ignore it completely – if it does not suit their purposes.

Please, liberals, prove me wrong! My limited faith in humanity is faltering.

To the Democratic Underground (9/02/0

(I recently posted a few remarks on their page - nothing inflammatory, just a few logical remarks - and was shortly thereafter banned from posting. All I said was that I had served in the Marine Corps and that I could not honestly believe some of their postings were as “ill-informed or naïve” as they were. For that, I was banned.)

As a relatively intelligent guy always in search of people willing to intelligently discuss issues, I know I have found no home on your site. You seem far less willing to think than you do to rant in an inflammatory and poorly informed manner. By all means carry on; the system, as it exists today, needs morons incapable of rational thought and quite in need of leading. As my signature said: the less people know, the easier it is to convince them that “your” truth is “the” truth. From time to time I check in on several boards that encourage dissenting opinions and honestly want to pursue topics in an objective manner; you will have none of that! It is your page and you are free to dismiss everything as lies with which you do not agree; after all, it is the hallmark of your political thought.

5 Ways to improve Lord of the Rings (8/29/03)

1.Timmy!

An army that stands against Timmy stands in ruin. With the power of monosyllabic speech, and an ass-kick ‘in wheelchair, Orcs have no chance. Take note: Timmy had better be in the next Lord of the Rings, or I will seriously be pissed.

2. Ninjas.

Who the hell goes to war without ninjas? After all, they are the source of real ultimate power. Aside from Timmy, ninjas are always a good investment; they may be expensive, but they even have their own swords.

3. A real villain.

It would have been more moving if Gandolff could’a fought someone really bad, like Oprah. Who cares about an ancient demon of the underworld, we got Oprah! No true battle of good evil ever takes place without Oprah. After all, she is pure evil.

4. Singing Hobbits

If the hobbits had sang their lines rather than speak them. They are no great actors anyway, singing the lines would have made it more emotional, more real, more believable.

5. The old “launch the cow with the trebuchet” trick.

Bowling for another stupid Michael Moore Movie (8/23/03)

After Watching Michael Moore's “Bowling for Columbine” (specific remarks later), I have an idea for his next work: the United States of America, in its quest for world domination and profiteering, generates more food than any other nation on the planet. Likewise, the US also has the highest incidence of obesity – a theme that Mr. Moore understands all too well. With so many readily available sources of food, we have no control over our impulses and cannot possibly be expected to exercise (no pun intended) any degree of self-control. Not only is food our enemy, but a society based on eating only serves to exacerbate the problem. In Mr. Moore’s normal fashion, he’ll accost the CEO of McDonalds and show pictures of fat little kids, cramming their fat faces with McNuggets. He’ll subtlety blame society’s ills on the McBreakfast snacks of a dying people. The film will end with Mike’s fat ass walking off into the sunset, in search of yet another rant.

That, my friends, is a brief glimpse into “Bowling for Columbine.” I have a few key observations to offset some of the films more obvious points (though I will admit, some topics in the film were relevant and do need addressing.)

First, the movie opens with a half-truth: Mike (as we will refer to him) walks into a bank and asks to open the account that offers a “free gun.” In truth, Mike does walk into a bank, fill out paperwork, and walk out with a hunting rifle; all that is true. What is left unsaid is that from the filling out of paperwork to the actual taking ownership of the firearm, a total of 2 weeks passes - 2 weeks of waiting and FBI background checking. The movie plays the scenario out as a 1 hour affair, and we are left wondering how a man can walk in and walk out with a gun, when in fact the processes was much more involved (not that I think handing out firearms in a back is a good thing.)

As that point was a little long, I’ll make the next ones more brief:

2. Some firearms owners in America have more than 5 teeth, are not married to their own sister, and can use the English language with some degree of skill- though from the film, you’d expect none of these. John Nichols is not the posterchild for the 2nd Amendment.

3. Charlton Heston is not personally responsible for the Columbine shootings or the Flint Michigan shooting of the 6-year-old girl (by a 6 year old boy who took the gun from his convicted felon uncle while living with the uncle who was, at the time, selling drugs from that very house.)

4. Dick Clark is not personally responsible for killing the Flint Michigan 6 year old simply because the shooter’s mother worked at a Dick Clark restaurant.

5. Canadians who leave their doors unlocked are none too bright. Mike interviewed several Canadians who never locked their doors, ALL of whom acknowledged that their homes had been invaded.

6. Lastly, spend some time on a treadmill, DAM!

One aspect of gun violence that was left completely untouched (almost) was racial discord – the almost is there because all racially motivated gun violence was presented as whites killing blacks or others. Somehow he left out the simple fact that more than 50% of the violent crime in this country is committed by a 5% subset of the population (from FBI crime stats.) He also failed to mention that most violent crime does not involve a “white devil” as the shooter.

In the end, I agree: there is a problem with violence in this country. And, in the end – like Mike, I can offer no real solution.

(One last thought: saying I own a gun out of fear of violence is like saying I own a tire-iron out of fear of a flat. Good call, Dumbass!)

Happiness (8/17/03)

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon! **

Embrace the Future! (8/12/03)

Recently, I acknowledged the fact that America has taken a terrible turn for the worst and that our only chance of survival and betterment is…me! As such, it is only fair that I present you, my fellow Americans, with my roadmap to a better America. These are the major issues of my platform:

1. No more immigration. Yes, our Founding Fathers believed in allowing everyone to come and partake of the “American Dream” , at that time, we needed people. Those who followed the process were allowed to stay and become citizens. The difference between then and now: immigrants now bring their culture with them and make no attempt to become “American”. Mexicans invade illegally (in search of a better life, I understand, but illegal nonetheless.) They do not learn English – OUR NATIONAL LANGUAGE, they do not pay taxes on their income, and they take the free ride of public healthcare, public education, and poverty assistance. Europeans come to our great land and make no attempt to buy deodorant or learn to drive. Middle-Easterners come here to blow things up in Allah’s name – and they usually smell almost as bad as Europeans. No more! Either you are born here or you stay there. Illegal immigration will be punishable by death.

2. The country is to be divided! Liberals will be given their own states (California, Oregon, Washington, Maryland, New York, and Massachusetts) over which they can preside in any way they see fit. All remaining states will be “conservative” states and will be governed as such. There will be a 1-party system within each state and a 2-party system for the nation. (States may transfer from “liberal” to “non-liberal” if greater than 50% of the voting population approves the change.) Both parties will have equal voice and representation in the Federal Government.

3. Income tax is hereby abolished. States are encouraged to institute a flat sales tax (as the Fed will institute a flat 5% sales tax for federal expenditures); nevertheless, states may finance their governments in any way they wish.

4. To dramatically decrease the burden of a national detention system, all prisoners currently incarcerated with sentences of 20 years or greater will be put to death immediately. All those with lesser sentences will be castrated, lobotomized, and set free in California.

5. Every male, at the completion of his 12th year of school (or on his 18th birthday, if he is too stupid to complete high school) will serve 2 years in the Armed Forces. This is mandatory and only those medically unfit for service will be released from this commitment.

6. Any questions to any matters, contained herein or otherwise, will be decided by me; the Supreme Leader and arbiter of all that is good.

7. Islam is outlawed!

8. If it isn’t made here, it is not sold here; free trade it over! We make it or we do not consume it. Likewise, we sell nothing we make to other nations. We will isolate ourselves from the world, and if anyone doesn’t like it, we still have nuclear weapons – and I will use them!

9. If you don't work, you don't eat. Welfare is over.

I will dedicate my intelligence and capabilities to making this country great once again. Any uprisings or matters of civil disobedience will result in the severe punishment of those living in California, Oregon, Washington, Maryland, New York, and Massachusetts.

May God bless us all.

Give Him Credit! (8/4/03)

20 Worst Figures in American History

I read a brief summary of who some conservatives believe to be the most destructive members of US citizenry – past and present. I agree with much of what was said; however, the list is quite clear in leaving off the Clintons – and simply brushes “them” aside as another terrible 20th century President. I disagree entirely!

Having read previous posts, most here will know how I feel about Democrats in general, and democrat Presidents in particular (as a Marine, I dislike any leader who begins a fight with a plan to lose.) I am reasonable regarding democrats who can rationally explain and debate issues – though I’ve only met a few.

Even some conservatives say Clinton was bad but no worse than Carter (who, admittedly, was terrible), but lest we forget: he bombed an aspirin factory in Afghanistan after being proven a liar and apologizing on national television; he began Operation Desert Fox ( long overdue and supported completely by his liberal cronies: the threat was too real to not act) with a bombing campaign that began the day before his impeachment – and accomplished little or nothing militarily; his administration was supported by the single largest nation on the planet – wholly dedicated to ending America’s prosperity and way of life (China); he dispatched US troops 30 times in 8 years for humanitarian, policing, or combat objectives while simultaneously downsizing to the point of absurdity and, in the same 8 year period, increasing the military wages by exactly 0%; he disgraced the office of the Presidency; his foreign policies led to the state of affairs we now find; and – lest we forget – with his careful oversight and leadership, he allowed companies like Enron to grow to record sizes in record times.

I understand that Carter sucked, as did LBJ, Truman, FJK, etc.; but give the man his due credit. If anyone belongs at the top of the list of most destructive Americans of all times, it is Slick Willy.

The World as I see it (7/31/03)

Over the years, I have amassed a few theories that, when combined, make for one fine outlook on mankind in general. Allow me to elaborate.

1. I concur with Einstein’s theory of General Relativity: length and time are not definite but are governed in their change by an absolute invariant space-time interval. Without getting too far in the weeds: frame of reference determines everything.

2. People’s lives suck ass. Need proof: the nation is fixated on whether Kobe nailed a teenager, and most television is reality-show crap – and people watch it!

3. People are inherently stupid! This should sound familiar, as it has been a foundational view of mine for many years. A few days ago I watched a bald guy in a new convertible Mercedes (a cheap one, not the huge, expensive “I’m compensating” version) try to hit on a soccer mom (with 2 kids in the back seat) at a stoplight. He was bald, his left hand – with wedding ring –was planted on the steering wheel for all to see, and he was putting his best moves on his would-be prize. As you should expect, the light turned green and I laid on my horn – not some whiny “beep-beep: I’m a nice guy giving you a subtle hint” kinda horn, but “get your bald ass out of my way before I drive right over you, moron” kinda horn. I halfway wished he’d get his 5’9”, 180-pound frame out of his car and teach me a lesson in manners. He didn’t, musta been French.

4. I alone am the arbiter of reason and truth. What evades the common man is plainly obvious to me: you can turn left on red if the street is one way, Chevron does not take Macy’s credit cards, there is no bottle of milk further back that is good for 2 years, $20 for a cigar doesn’t make you a connoisseur – it makes you an idiot, etc,etc,etc.

Conclusion: I am destined to be your supreme leader – or you will all die miserable and stupid (this is where Einstein’s “Frame of Reference” comes into play.) Mankind has proven a general lack of mental faculties (Lorenzo Lamas is famous and people pay to see Kate Hudson movies), and needs someone capable of abstract thought to guide them safely (relativity again) through their meaningless lives. Without me, another “Clinton” may one day lead this country straight to hell. I will return this great land to its rightful place of Supremacy – more on how I will do that later.

I am your only hope for happiness and am all that stands between you and a tombstone that reads: “This dumbass died doing something stupid but that’s OK because now his genes can’t infect the world he left behind. RIP”

(And this guy would definitely be an advisor in my ruling government, as would these.)

Our Rules, Damit (7/29/03)

"The Rules"
Let's start the week out right with the guys’ side of the story.....
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Bars suck, and so do you (7/23/03)

This weekend, I spent with a good friend. I know, all you fags out there think I have no friends; but some people actually find me mildly amusing. Anyway, this friend thought several years ago he had found Miss Right, when in fact, he had found the devil incarnate. That mistake is now being rectified, and we spent the weekend agreeing with one another on how great life will be moving forward.

One night, we went to a bar for some pool and booz (this is more the purpose of the post, so hang in, you ADD bastards.) Having been married for quite some time, I quickly noticed all you pathetic losers who were watching the bartender walk back and forth all night, bending and stretching. I am quite certain that her tip jaw would have been only slightly less full at 2:00 AM if she had, in fact, been wearing skivvies. The other thing that struck me was how men migrated to the “less beautiful” women as the night (and drinks) wore on. Also, I noticed how much more attractive acting the biggies got as the clock spun the night away. In the end, I am incredibly thankful that my single days are over.

As the evening progressed, one of our party began making moves on a rather large young lady, which lead her large friend over as well. Biggie #2 didn’t seem to mind the gold ring on my left ring finger; she was determined to go home with someone and was trying her hand at my good friend and me. He, being more tactful and personable than me, avoided her politely but shill showed no interest; while I, on the other hand, took a more direct approach. At one point she came over to me and said, “ You don’t talk much, do you?” to which I responded, “Stupid people talk allot, I prefer silence.” For some unexplainable reason, she didn’t bother me any more that night. In my defense, I did not directly call her stupid, I simply implied it. (As I am an equal opportunity disliker of people, a more attractive woman would have met with the same response, I’m not being any more insensitive than I always am.) She was at a bar at 2:00 AM smoking like a chimney, cussing more than me (which, on that night, was allot), throwing her rather large frame at any guy who looked like he could take the trauma; how could being grouped with other stupid people be such a terrible shock?
In the end, they left alone and I drove my inebriated friends back to the apartment, where I proceeded to beat the hell out of their drunken asses and laugh at them till I passed out.

Enough Said (7/15/03)

Something amazing to think about: since the conclusion of WW2, all military conflicts undertaken by Democrat presidents have ended in failure – not because the military couldn’t win, but because the military was not allowed to win. Sound paranoid; keep reading.

Truman: lost China to Communists, watched in apathy as the USSR absorbed at least 7 more nations, watched as Vietnam embraced Communism, Korea waged war for Communism, and millions were murdered globally as a result of his “Don’t piss off Stalin” philosophy. When General Douglas Macarthur actually tried to win the Korean conflict, he was fired (winning was not the Democrat way)

JFK: launched Bay of Pigs (yet forbid the resources necessary to win), began the Vietnam conflict (same story), and watched as the USSR put ICBMs 70 miles off our coast. Great President: no freak'in way!

LBJ: grossly mismanaged the Vietnam Conflict and instigated strategy that lead to the war’s eventual failure. So much for his military success, and look at his wonderful “Great Society.”

Jimmy Cater: Allowed the Soviet advance to continue unobstructed (including the invasion of Afghanistan), pulled all backing from the Sha of Iran allowing Muslim’s control and sacrificing American embassy workers for 444 days of captivity. All this while exhorting Americans to abandon their “inordinate fear of Communism.”

Bill Clinton: no description needed, just think Balkans, bombing of Afghanistan and Iraq, Somalia, Haiti, etc.

No wonder they all wanted us to lose in Afghanistan and in Iraq, it’s the Democrat way.

Jesse Jackson is right, reparations are due (7/10/03)

As Bush recently stated, slavery was a crime that imbues this country’s past. As such, I agree with Jesse Jackson and others that reparations are due. Every living individual who once owned slaves (whether the slave owner was white or otherwise) should be forced to pay reparations. Likewise, every living individual who suffered the scourge of slavery is owed compensation for personal injury and is owed financial restitution for services rendered. Am I missing something; does the Constitution now allow the sins of the father to be conferred on the son? Does the simple attribute of skin color entitle some to that which they have not earned? Does every descendant of every slave owner owe something to the descendants of his prior slaves? Here’s something interesting to consider in this debate: many blacks owned and traded in slaves, will their relatives be paying as well – or receiving? Also, while we’re on it, my ancestors migrated to this country (legally, I might add) in the 1940s, we owned no slaves; do we have to pay for someone else’s sins? I think the argument of reparations is an interesting discussion of a truly terrible period of American history; however, aren’t all involved on both sides of the crime now dead? Taking my money and my work and giving it to another without my consent: would that not equal modern-day slavery? Since the spearhead of this debate (the Reverend Jackson) has been living – rather well - off the work of the black poor, would he qualify as owing reparations as well?

Women Suck (7/7/03)

Something happened this week that truly pissed me off. I can’t give details but, as you would expect, it goes something like this: People Suck. Temporarily, that can be amended to “Women Suck.” With the exception of my wonderful wife (who I exclude from this post – as she had nothing to do with my anger), you people are the supreme manifestation of evil. Women not only have the whole shopping thing, and the clothes thing, and the useless household crap thing, and the hair thing, and the make-up thing, and the “that makes me feel…” thing, and the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” thing, etc; but you also know that the alternative is too terrible to imagine. Today I add one more name to my ever-growing list of people that I wouldn’t mind seeing tortured to death by a bald-yet-hairy midget with a flamethrower. You, women, are fortunate that you do have one (and only one, in many cases) saving grace: you aren’t men. Today I raise my glass to all those who have experienced the demonic acts of the female of the species and say, “Women, can’t live with them; pass the beer nuts.”

An Idiot from History (7/1/03)

An excerpt from ‘Lamia” by John Keats:

“ Do not all charms fly
At the mere touch of cold philosophy?
There was an awful rainbow once in heaven:
We know her woof, her texture; she is given
In the dull catalogue of common things.
Philosophy will clip an Angel's wings,
Conquer all mysteries by rule and line,
Empty the haunted air, and gnomed mine -
Unweave a rainbow…"

My thoughts: Keats was a moron. He complains that science destroys poetry, that his precious rainbow was somehow belittled by losing its magic to science. He demonstrates what can only be called a prejudice against reason. I’ve known a few who proudly boast that they know nothing of science – nor have they any wish to. I’ve always wished I had the talent and creativity to write even decent poetry; however, Keats makes me rethink that wish. If we are endowed with only a certain measure of gifts, I’d much rather mine were grounded in reason and logic than in imagination. For now, I’ll enjoy Blake and Hardy; and Keats can keep his muse.

Deep Thoughts (6/30/03)

One night I was laying in my bed looking at the many stars in the sky, and I tought to myself "where the hell did my roof go?"

What if (6/28/03)

What if up is actually down, what if right is actually wrong, what if the Mormons got it right and all other religions missed it completely, what if the light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming straight at me? What if… Again, Einstein’s relativity and Newton’s frame of reference come into play. Twentieth century existentialism tells us there are no absolutes and, as Puddle of Mud reminds us, life is simply a drifting towards death. Over the past week I’ve been thinking of what direction I should take in future posting. I can educate the interested on the intricacies of higher math, physics, biochemistry, and natural sciences; or I can continue to spew forth for you the pessimistic views of an aging suburbanite. While I sat and pondered the “what if’s” of my life, I realized that 2 things had become more clear. 1. Quality of thought, no matter how sincere, does not change anything and 2. People do genuinely suck. After my epiphany I decided on the direction of this page. You people can find “truth” in other places; if you want to know what I think, it will be here from time to time. I will attempt to convert no one to my ways; I will simply explain my misanthropic tendencies and give a brief glimpse into the storm that is my mind. If you come seeking truth, seek elsewhere, this is now wholly devoted to me explaining why you people are morons and why I avoid you as I do.

Why Can't You People Drive? (6/20/03)

Nothing clears the brain-housing like a few weeks away from the things of man. Nature makes sense; rain clouds mean rain, yellow or brown water isn’t good to drink, and messing with hungry bears is always a bad idea. Yet when I return, the weatherman can’t break the code, everyone at the grocery store things the produce came from the back room, and everyone still drives poorly. I gave you morons 2 full weeks with me off the roads to figure out that fast doesn’t equal good, red lights mean stop, right of way is determined by weight and value, and that speed limits are more a suggestion than a law. I propose a new highway system where the fast lane is reserved for driving FAST! Who determines fast, you ask; here is a helpful rule: if someone is less than 3 feet from your rear bumper, you should be in the slow lane. Slow lanes are reserved for old cars, old people, and those who are motor-vehicly impaired (trust me, it is a word - now.) I have decided that my next vehicle will be a large 4x4 with a huge bumper guard. With that arrangement, slower drivers can be gently nudged into their correct place on the road – and that would be at its side, overturned, and on fire – if all goes as planned. Too bad Darwinian evolution doesn’t extend to driving; else some would be much happier, some would spend less time on the roads, and many would be rotting at the side of the road in their burned-out, slow-ass cars – a warning to all potentially bad drivers to use cell phones less and gas pedals more. I know this is no genius post and has no practical long-term utility, but something has to change. Ben is a terrible driver who likes to change lanes on the ascending slopes of hills; we (the Good) must champion our cause to either teach Ben the right way, or make certain he is too fearful to circumambulate our cities in his hoopty. More (hopefully better) posts will follow shortly. I have 3 weeks of pent-up hostilities and I’m sure you all would love to hear all about it.

God's Funeral

by Thomas Hardy

I saw a slowly-stepping train --
Lined on the brows, scoop-eyed and bent and hoar --
Following in files across a twilit plain
A strange and mystic form the foremost bore.

And by contagious throbs of thought
Or latent knowledge that within me lay
And had already stirred me, I was wrought
To consciousness of sorrow even as they.

III

The fore-borne shape, to my blurred eyes,
At first seemed man-like, and anon to change
To an amorphous cloud of marvellous size,
At times endowed with wings of glorious range.

And this phantasmal variousness
Ever possessed it as they drew along:
Yet throughout all it symboled none the less
Potency vast and loving-kindness strong.

Almost before I knew I bent
Towards the moving columns without a word;
They, growing in bulk and numbers as they went,
Struck out sick thoughts that could be overheard: --

'O man-projected Figure, of late
Imaged as we, thy knell who shall survive?
Whence came it we were tempted to create
One whom we can no longer keep alive?

VII

'Framing him jealous, fierce, at first,
We gave him justice as the ages rolled,
Will to bless those by circumstance accurst,
And longsuffering, and mercies manifold.

VIII

'And, tricked by our own early dream
And need of solace, we grew self-deceived,
Our making soon our maker did we deem,
And what we had imagined we believed,

'Till, in Time's stayless stealthy swing,
Uncompromising rude reality
Mangled the Monarch of our fashioning,
Who quavered, sank; and now has ceased to be.

'So, toward our myth's oblivion,
Darkling, and languid-lipped, we creep and grope
Sadlier than those who wept in Babylon,
Whose Zion was a still abiding hope.

'How sweet it was in years far hied
To start the wheels of day with trustful prayer,
To lie down liegely at the eventide
And feel a blest assurance he was there!

XII

'And who or what shall fill his place?
Whither will wanderers turn distracted eyes
For some fixed star to stimulate their pace
Towards the goal of their enterprise?'...

XIII

Some in the background then I saw,
Sweet women, youths, men, all incredulous,
Who chimed as one: 'This is figure is of straw,
This requiem mockery! Still he lives to us!'

XIV

I could not prop their faith: and yet
Many I had known: with all I sympathized;
And though struck speechless, I did not forget
That what was mourned for, I, too, once had prized.

Still, how to bear such loss I deemed
The insistent question for each animate mind,
And gazing, to my growing sight there seemed
A pale yet positive gleam low down behind,

XVI

Whereof, to lift the general night,
A certain few who stood aloof had said,
'See you upon the horizon that small light --
Swelling somewhat?' Each mourner shook his head.

XVII

And they composed a crowd of whom
Some were right good, and many nigh the best....
Thus dazed and puzzled 'twixt the gleam and gloom
Mechanically I followed with the rest.

More to Come

Soon I'll be with friends in the "back-country" for 2 weeks. As I've been busy for awhile, genius is due. I feel something coming on, either a bowel movement or a rant - check back to see which.

Ribs (5/21/03)

The Bible tells us Eve was created from Adam’s rib. What it doesn’t tell us is that Eve was a second draft. Before she came along, Adam had another wife. Petunia. Petunia was also made from a rib, but unfortunately for her, it was a delicious pork rib. Which led to the following exchange between God and Adam.

God: Adam! It is I, your creator!

Adam: Hi, Lord! You’re just in time for lunch!

God: What’s cooking? Smells great!

Adam: [Turning a spit over an open fire.] That thing you gave me. The one that kept making that squeaking noise.

God: What are you talking about?

Adam: You know. It looked sort of like me, but it was short and had a big rear end, and it stood around with its hands on its hips, squeaking at me from daylight to dusk. It kept telling me what to do, so I hit it with this big rock.

God: Adam! You have slain the helper I gave you! I am mightily displeased!

Adam: Sorry! Was I supposed to keep it? It ate all my food, and it blamed me for everything, and when I lay down to rest, it lay down next to me and put its big cold feet on me. It was really annoying, and I noticed that it had a lot of nice meat on it.

God: What have you done to her?

Adam: I started with a nice cumin-and-pepper dry rub, and then I marinated her in cider vinegar and cayenne, and now I’m slow-cooking her over a mesquite fire.

God: That’s not what I meant! Why are you eating meat? I gave you every fruit and every herb-bearing seed!

Adam: I got that covered, too. I’m roasting corn on the cob.

God: You are? I love corn on the cob!

Adam: And I found that if you take the leaves from a certain plant and dry them and put them in hot water with honey, you get this stuff. I call it “sweet tea.”

God: I haven’t eaten a thing since breakfast.

Adam: Pull up a rock and sit down. There’s plenty.

God: I really shouldn’t. My weight.

Adam: Go on! You look fabulous.

God: I feel puffy.

Adam: Never! Don’t be silly. You’re fishing.

God: Look, if I give you another one of these things, you have to promise not to eat it.

Adam: Why would I want another one? What is it good for?

God: [Whispers]

Adam: Get out of here! That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.

God: Trust me, it’s more fun than it sounds.

Adam: Can you make one that doesn’t squeak all the time?

God: No, but if it starts to drive you crazy, just light one of these, and it will leave you alone. [Hands Adam a box of cigars.]

Adam: [Holding a corona.] Okay, but it won’t be much of a fire.

Peace and Love in the Land of Imbeciles (5/10/03)

I've recently been told that genius needs to occur more frequently in these pages or some may begin to lose interest. Thanx for the insight Ben, now kiss my ass. What people need to understand is that when you rush genius, you get sub-genius. Anyway, my gifts do not exist solely for your entertainment. Having said that, and seeing that I will not have the opportunity to imbue you with my thoughts for a while; I'll take this opportunity to say something meaningful - maybe. From time to time, people ask me to explain my misanthropic tendencies. The short answer is, of course: People Suck; however, there is a reasonable longer answer. It begins like this: I admire character. I admire the guy who starts the race by finding the fastest runner and making sure that runner is always behind him. Sure, halfway through the race, he's puking his guts out and wishing he were dead; but when the vomiting reflex subsides, he's right back in it, giving his all. I admire the woman who stands for something - who will stake her reputation, her value, and her person on something greater than herself. Many of us learned that character is what we do when no one is watching, I would take that one step further and say character is what we would do if we knew no one would ever find out. What I desire is quality workmanship, pride in accomplishment, and personal responsibility. Just once I'd like my son to say, "I did something stupid, I take responsibility, I am sorry." Chances are, my response to that would be a hug, a tear, and $20 to blow on whatever the hell kids buy these days.

I stand by my word and my work. I tell the truth regardless of how it will be perceived and regardless of what I think (or know) someone wants to hear. As I've said here before: I admire character which means I admire very few. A very good friend of mine is a flaming, bleeding-heart, hug-a-tree-and-save-a-whale liberal, yet he thinks issues through. He and I have spent hours discussing abstract concepts that send most liberals and conservatives into dogmatic verbal incontinence. What I despise most is non-thinking, blind acceptance of "truth." In my humble opinion, the unquestioning acceptance of...anything, is far more dangerous than the sincere discussion of a topic among open-minded individuals. Now that I've rambled for awhile and everyone has lost interest, I will restate the most important part of this "meaningful" rant: Ben, kiss my ass.

Still Pissed (5/2/03)

I know it's been more than a few weeks, but that quote by Nancy Pelosi still pisses me off. She stated (just as the heavy fighting in Iraq began to subside - a war she said would cost "thousands of American lives") that the military of today was not created in 2 years but was the fruit of the previous administration’s efforts. Having been a part of the "previous administration's efforts", I can say first-hand that revisionist history is alive and well in the Democratic Party. During Clinton's watch, our military was downsized beyond the point of sanity; Janet Reno said she would dismantle our foreign intelligence assets "brick by brick" - a statement that, I am certain, pleased terrorist groups; and we allowed China and others a free view of our military secrets. The current Democratic leadership is counting on the short memory and attention deficit of the average American to build a case founded on lies. Clinton hated the military and hates it still. He is a traitor and stupid man (look at his chosen "life partner"); and the quickest way for anyone to loose any shred of dignity or respect is to announce their belief that Clinton was the greatest President our nation's history. Clinton, in my mind, is the beginning of the end. He stands at the pinnacle of American apathy and ignorance. He was a marketing campaign, and it worked! Under his watchful eye, Enron became a giant; foreign policy went straight to hell for our country; government was abused to a point never before seen; and a nation became a little dumber. He represents all that the world hates of America.

The Price of Stupidity (4/24/03)

Here is the one true problem: no one takes any personal responsibility! Fat people sue Taco Bell for making them fat, a stupid old woman spills hot coffee in her lap and wins $5,000,000, and liability lawyers make millions blaming stupid acts on others. If a burglar breaks into my house to kill my family and steal my stuff; he can sue me for any